why are some people indifferent?  and why is it that at the time that you are most in need of a form of release like blogging, that’s also the time that you cannot write about what you feel? why does life need to be this fucking hard…

I’m hurt. It hurts so much that I cannot even write about it.

Being a new employee is both a gift and a curse. It’s a gift in the sense that people in your workplace are very considerate of you and it’s understandable when you make errors, at least for now. However, it’s also a curse because the customers can really be stubborn to you sometimes and take your being a newbie to their freaking advantage.

My lunchbreak is scheduled at 11am while the others, at 12 noon. I don’t know what’s with one of our customers, when I told him that I will have my lunchbreak first, he freaked out. And by freak out I meant creating a scene. He shouted at me and called me tanga and idiota. Kumusta naman siya diba? As if siya ang nagpapakain sa akin, buset na yan! And shempre because he is a customer, naka-smile lang ako while trying to control my emotions and fight back tears. Baka kasi lalo niya ako i-bully, nakakahiya. Parang tumigil ang mundo sa office, my God, bida ang lola mo. So smile smile lang ako habang naglilitanya siya. And apparently, mas lalo siyang na-annoy and know what he did? He took note of my name at sabi niya, dederecho siya sa Main Office para ipatanggal ako sa trabaho. Super natakot talaga ako and super hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin. Then when he seemed to finally run out of things to say, nag-butt in na si team leader namin. Napaka-OA ko lang, naiyak ako sa ginawa niya. Sabi niya kay customer, “Sir, maghintay ho kayo dyan, ipapahatid ko kayo sa Main Office. Hindi na ho uso ang the customer is always right. Iba na ho ngayon, ‘we will treat you right na po’..”. Then the bully customer just stood up and walked away.

Grabe itong araw na ito. I was so emo, kahit sa office nadala ko. Dahil in pain ako, ang bilis ko tuloy ma-rattle. Plus the fact na first time ko maka-encounter ng ganun. Pero you know that feeling na if I wasn’t dealing with a personal issue, I could have handled the situation better. Hindi yung para akong basang sisiw na mukhang kawawa.

OMG, what a day.

my day ended without him. he didn’t even bother to text. didn’t even bother to ask how i am or if i’m still alive and okay. yes, it’s painful but maybe someday i’ll learn to be like that too. maybe someday, i will just stop missing him. i will just stop hurting. i will just stop crying. but all that will happen because it wouldn’t be too long for me to turn numb. i’ll just get used to this kind of situation. but to stop loving him? i don’t know if i can do that.

i just feel it. i know. i can never stop loving him.

today was a disaster. i was terrible at work. i can’t concentrate. ang dami kong nasayang na supplies sa office just because pamali-mali ako ng mga ginagawa. daming beses mag-print kasi lagi nagkakamali. worse, pati ung mga gamit ko – printer, computer, ups, fax machine, ID, coffeemaker, nakikisama. Puro nagloloko. Ano bang meron ngayong araw na ito.

i hate it when i lose focus.

yes, i think i just died today. oh wait, let me rephrase that. i felt that i died today. my life’s officially over and though it’s against my will, i have to move on and start a new one. but see, i don’t know how. i don’t know how to move on. yes, i can buy all the books that provide tips on moving on or anything of that sort but hell, i’m not even sure if i can do it. i don’t know where and how to start. i don’t know how to start living without xyz.

yes, he broke up with me. and i don’t know how to get up. i’m clueless.

i’ve never felt so lost like this before. i want to start my quest on finding myself but where do i begin? and how do i do it? i felt like a part of me has died when he asked me to let him go. but what choice do i have? i don’t want to be selfish and deprive him of what is really his in the first place. i’m trying to comprehend everything. i’m trying to understand.

i’m trying. and it’s fucking hard.

okay, after a not-so-long stretch of time of posting entries here, i’ve decided to switch to my old practice, which is to write the title first… at least for this entry. because this time, i already know what i want to write and i know that the message of this entry can be summed up in just two words – save me.

the past months have been so crazy. and i’ve done my best to keep my sanity amidst all the chaos. but tonight is different. i think i’m just a centimeter away from giving up. i don’t know. i don’t think i can cope with all the changes that seems to take place endlessly anymore. i need help. a part of me dies everytime i wake up. i’ve done everything i can and everything that i think can remedy the situation but i guess, all my efforts were doomed for failure right from the very start. nothing worked. and right now, i’m at a point where nothing else is important to me but my salvation.

yes, i’m slowly losing hope. slowly getting tired of hoping and praying for each day to be “the” day. the day where all these were scheduled by Him to end. i’m getting so tired of hoping already. giving up may not be a good choice but i’m seriously considering it right now. i just want to escape.

i used to love nighttime because it’s the only time that i get to have a real quiet time but now, i’d love to skip it without having second thoughts… if only i could. the recent events in my life have taught me to hate this part of the day. because it is at this time when everything seems to come crawling straight through me, eating every bit of hope and strength that i have left. making me all the more vulnerable than before, and provoking me to victimize myself. these are all just too much to bear, right now. i’ve never felt as weak as this before.

help me.

save me.

rescue me.

a friend caught me in ym few minutes ago. then she asked me how i was? and how my heart was.. wala lang, i was dumbfound. can’t answer honestly but i didn’t lie either. just told her na i’m doing everything i can to survive – kinakaya ko, to be exact. it was the safest thing to say. i don’t want anybody worrying about me.

then it hit me. i really have no choice but to try to get by. one step at a time. living one effin’ day at a time, just like what my header says.

it’s like do or die. but to me, it seems like while i’m doing, i’m dying.

and it’s really hard to die alive, if you know what i mean.