a friend caught me in ym few minutes ago. then she asked me how i was? and how my heart was.. wala lang, i was dumbfound. can’t answer honestly but i didn’t lie either. just told her na i’m doing everything i can to survive – kinakaya ko, to be exact. it was the safest thing to say. i don’t want anybody worrying about me.

then it hit me. i really have no choice but to try to get by. one step at a time. living one effin’ day at a time, just like what my header says.

it’s like do or die. but to me, it seems like while i’m doing, i’m dying.

and it’s really hard to die alive, if you know what i mean.

i found my cousin crying. i guess that’s normal because she’s just 17 and she’s already pregnant. she’s crying so hard and sorta victimizing herself… and regretting everything. her future’s already ruined and she’ll have a hard time finding someone who will love her and accept her… someone who won’t take this against her whatever happens. those were the things she told me. sure i know exactly what to say and how to say it but i didn’t say anything because i know there’s a big possibility that she won’t believe me. maybe it’s better to let her drown herself in whatever it is that she’s feeling right now. who knows it might actually help her later on.

on a personal note, yes, it’s normal to feel and think that way. but i just kinda think things are still premature to conclude that her situation will deprive her in having a bright future and a happy heart. yes, it may happen to her. there’s always that possibility, and we cannot deny that. however, the way i see the situation, by the time that she’ll be in her early or mid 20’s, being a young single mom won’t be a big deal anymore. see, in the present time, being pregnant at an early age are not really new anymore. sure, you’ll be surprised if this happens to your friend, sister, cousin, or someone you know but if you’ll really try to look deeply in the situation, it’s not that big a deal anymore. in fact, it’s becoming a “pseudo-trend” already. since that is the case, pregnancy at an early age doesn’t give other people the basis to judge young mommies anymore since it’s already rampant nowadays. so what do i want to point out here? simple. since, it’s rampant already, one of the advantages that the situation created is that more people (friends, family, and relatives) of these young mommies already have a wide understanding of the situation. they know better now – that when a young girl gets pregnant, it doesn’t mean that she’s malandi, or bitchy, cheap, walang hiya sa magulang, and etc.

another point. i don’t think it’s also true that she’ll be having a hard time finding a guy who would lover her and would actually want to be with her. why? it’s because i don’t think that guys are shallow and judgmental; there are some who are like that though. however, generally, i think guys are very understanding and accepting especially if they really love you. no matter how modern the generation is right now, i think that there are still guys who are really sincere and who believes in forever. sure, having a baby may be an issue at first, especially with the guy’s immediate family but it depends to the guy (assuming that they can’t get the blessing of the guy’s family) but in the core of everything, it will all boil down to one thing – it’s not about getting a blessing from the people around you. it’s about you two, wanting to be together. that’s all that matters anyway. *if a guy can’t love you for who you are, then maybe, he’s love is not true after all.

being a young mom only tells a fraction of their character. and for me, what it shows is that they were strong enough to keep the baby and matured enough because they know that babies should not be blamed.
it would be so easy to get rid of the baby if they wanted to but see, at a young age, they made a sacrifice and that is to move fas forward in life – from their teenage life, leaving it altogether with the opportunities that comes with it, to the real life where nothing seems to be very easy.

so to all the young moms out there, i salute you and admire your strength. it’s a very good feel to know that despite your young age, you already know that babies are blessings and not punishments for you. ♥

i wanted to write something but i can’t think of anything to write about. my heart’s so tired already. but you know what’s ironic? no matter how hard i try any form of release, like blogging, it doesn’t seem to do anything helpful or at least reduce what i feel. it’s like all these that my little heart has been carrying around for months seem to regenerate every time i blog.

or maybe.. just maybe, i don’t blog enough?

today was a long day. not because i had loads of things to do but because i had so much going on in my mind literally the whole time. you know those times when you’re busy doing something yet you cannot seem to minimize all the thoughts that used to bug you only when you’re bored, got nothing to do, or before you literally end your day.

needless to say, i’ve been so bothered by these thoughts the whole day. you know what’s not really good about it? i was at work. errrrr. so how’s that right? now i’m scared and still bothered because these thoughts used to visit me only when i’m about to sleep or whenever i’m not doing anything but now it seems to never leave my mind anymore.

i need prayers and strength.

when i heard these songs, Fallin’ Out, Better In Time, and Realize, I can’t help but feel like it was especially written for me. parang ‘killing me softly’ lang yung drama ko.. you know, the line that said “killing me softly with his songs, telling my whole life with his words…“. ganun lang yung pakiramdam.

way back years ago, i remember, i wondered why there were more sad songs in today’s generation unlike before that most of the songs were all about fighting for love and loving forever. then now, suddenly, i stopped wondering.

it’s sad to feel that you don’t connect with someone who you used to believe to have shared same wavelengths with, anymore. it’s like you two were already very far apart, not just in distance but more sadly, in interests and priorities. the times, events in your life, and the opportunities that have opened up for each of you have changed you. and you wake up one day realizing that you no longer live in the same world. and worse, that your new worlds don’t seem to meet. and now, you struggle to at least create a tangent between the worlds you now fancy. but nothing seems to work.

so now, the big question. do you still try to reconnect? or should you just let things be and stay disconnected. things don’t seem to work anyway anymore like they used to. is this the part where you are supposed to give up? or do you just have to keep on trying?

..how would you know when to stop?

the past weeks were really life changing for me. i had to deal with drastic changes in my life. i sorta lost a friend, a boy friend, and myself. these things have turned me topsie-turvy in numerous times. everything has been so depressing , heartbreaking, and painful. and i wasn’t really prepared for all these.

see, i’ve been very happy for the longest time. i sorta lived an almost perfect life. i have a boyfriend who loves me oh so dearly. and i have friends who were as crazy as me. but then again, i still felt like something’s been missing. for the longest time, i’ve wondered what that missing piece was. so i’ve done a lot of thinking and reflecting that seemed to be unending.

then, after months of trying to contemplate my situation, i realized that what was missing in my life was BALANCE. apparently, it’s not healthy for my being coz it made me kinda crazy. i mean, i was far from being human all these years because i was living my so-called almost perfect life. and mind you, this is just one of the negative effects it had on me.

as my attempt to remedy the situation, i’ve decided to take a time off with myself. i feel like i have to undergo self-construction. i’ve fallen out of love with myself. i’ve actually reached the point of hating. so how’s that, right? maybe just this time, i have to think of myself first. i cannot say that i’m happy now that i’m doing things on my own and that i’ve temporarily detached myself on my freaking perfect life.
as a matter of fact, i am feeling miserable and terrible right now. i miss my boyfriend so much but i really have to do this for me.. for us. i chose to drown myself in this pain and go with the roller coaster ride of emotions. it’s my chance to feel all these again, after years. it’s my chance again to feel that i am still human and that i can still be vulnerable. it’s ironic… i know, right.

right now, i’m very hopeful that in the end, i’ll be back to loving my new-old self once more. and everything will be normal again.

God, please give xyz the heart to understand what i’m going through right now. if there is anything that i need from him right now, it’s his understanding. i need him to stay strong. Please take care of his heart. Bless him Father. You know how much I love him.

i woke up today with the thought of him. i dreamt of him and i tried so hard to keep the dream alive in my mind for as long as i could.